the oyster and the pearl
the big guy they call “chief”
killed mcmurphy… he put a pillow
over his face leaning his massive bulk
into him until his flailing arms and legs became
still and his breath was no more… his survival exhausted…
and… it was the right thing to do…
the boy-man they call billy
whose voice was a stutter… killed himself…
the chasm between what is normal
and what is natural becoming so wide
it broke his mind… and it broke my heart…
he too… was innocent…
the year was 1976... spring had come early
and lethargic billowing warm currents of air
into the great basin of utah which had at one
time been covered by a great lake… lake bonneville…
we were driving late at night
with the windows partially down…
a friend was taking me home
after we had gone to see the movie
“one flew over the cuckoos nest” with jack nicholson…
i remember i was in a strange frame of mind
after watching the show… i was all of eighteen
years old… i had just graduated high school… i was
young and restless and ready… i thought i knew it all…
that is… until i saw that movie…
something inside me was moving and shifting…
actually many things inside me were moving and shifting…
questions that had never occurred to me before
were naught only arising but multiplying at an alarming rate…
my old viewpoint of a very safe… very structured…
very orderly world where right was right and wrong was wrong…
was mutating…
in a most uncomfortable way…
time was becoming an imminent sensation
where belief systems collide giving rise to new ideas…
a flurry of activity arose around me
siphoning off some of my inward attention
and for some reason i was aware of my breathing…
it was all i could hear…
being able to hear my breath seemed very strange
strange enough to pull me fully from my private dilemma
into the present moment… into the car seat i was occupying…
to say i had been deep in thought
would be an understatement and it took me
a moment to regain my bearings… especially since
my bearings were naught quite the way they were supposed to be…
in an instant that seemed to stand still
somewhere between one heartbeat and the next
my pulse quickened… my nostrils flared… and i was alerted…
i was more alert than i have ever been
i was alert on more levels and to more things
than i ever imagined possible under any circumstance…
and yes… there were levels to this alertness…
the first and foremost level
was the impending danger that i was in…
we had been heading south on the freeway
coming up to an overpass where riverdale road
crosses over the freeway allowing traffic to enter
and exit in four directions… creating a clover leaf intersection…
the small volkswagen rabbit we were riding in was no longer moving…
we were stopped in the center lane
the engine was off… the headlights were off…
the radio was silent… my friend was sitting motionless…
i took all this in as i “whipped” my head around
in what felt like slow motion to survey my surroundings…
the freeway lights were also off
and i was afraid for us sitting there
in the dark where others drivers especially
semi truck drivers would not be able to see us…
we were sitting ducks…
i was glancing anxiously out the back window
for our perceived doom… there was a flurry of activity
as i thought about the emergency blinkers… whether or naught
they would work… whether or naught i could send some sort of signal..
somewhere inside that flurry of activity
that accompanied my thought i instinctively knew
that the headlights would naught work… somewhere inside
that flurry of activity that thought scenario had actually played itself out…
while i was still looking out the back window…
i became even more alert…
i became momentarily motionless
holding as still and as quiet as possible…
openly hiding inside the space…
several seconds passed
without incident and i resumed
rapt attention to the back window of the car…
once i realized there actually were no monster semi trucks
bearing down on us and that we could probably exit the car before
the unthinkable happened… i relaxed… just a little bit… my breath slowed…
i could hear it again… a strange breath…
and this time I realized why it sounded so strange…
i could hear it moving inside me … moving in
and out of my lungs as though my ears were under water…
i could sense another level of alertness tuning itself in…
the first level i sensed had to do with everything that was there
everything that was occurring right in from of me… my immediate vicinity…
this next level of alertness i sensed had to do with what was not
there… what was missing… which is harder to locate than what is there…
i was still turned in my seat
looking out the back window of the car
when it hit… or rather… when i “expanded”
into that next level of alertness… or awareness…
it would be hard to say i was still at full alert
because my senses had quieted down… i was more aware
than alert… more concerned then afraid… more poised than panicked…
i was composing myself
(against my better judgment)
to glean as much information as i could…
a ploy for survival no doubt…
because even though searching for something
that is naught there does naught sound very dangerous..
things were beginning to feel ominous…
something was amiss… precariously amiss…
my pulse slowed down
my breathing was quieter
though my nostrils stilled flared
albeit more slowly and deliberately…
I turn my head cautiously back around
looking for something I could naught see
listening for something I could naught hear
Reaching for something I could naught touch…
there was only absence…
the silence was the first thing i noticed…
in fact it was more than silence
it was the complete absence of sound…
there was no wind… no crickets…
naught a single sound anywhere to be found…
a flawless void…
then i noticed my friend next to me
and i realized something else was missing…
he was naught moving
he was more than naught moving
he was motionless… completely suspended…
he looked safe… naught injured or distressed in any way
he was simply “stopped”… he had naught moved a single iota
since i had first become aware of the strange goings on around us…
i seemed to be the only thing working…
the only thing animated…
i was still more poised than panicked at this point
and i did naught attempt to touch him or shake him in any way
although the thought did cross my mind to do so along with that strange
flurry of activity… again kicking my attention into a motionless hyper drive…
more seconds passed without incident…
slowly i continued to let my head rove around the car
again in that slow motion state… the next thing i noticed was
the time on the dashboard… i do naught remember what time it said
only that it was blinking… like clocks do when the electricity goes out and
they need to be reset..
i raised my eyes from the clock to the windshield
the unobstructed view of the night seemed ordinary enough…
i took all this in as my head
continued to rove around left to right…
the car window was down on my side
and i found myself looking out the window
at a flying saucer… it was parked in the grassy area
the freeway entrance allotted… quiet as the rest of the night…
there was no mistaking what it was…
i blinked… then i glanced back at my friend
to see if he could see what i could see… but he was still naught moving…
i quickly looked back again to the flying saucer
which seemed prudent… since taking my eyes off it
for even a single moment did naught seem like a good idea…
my heartbeat seemed out of accord
with the rest of my body… it was pounding
in my chest yet the rest of my body remained poised
and still… belying my struggle to negotiate terms yet again
between my enforced composure and my fight or flight advocates…
rallying my instincts around me
i was able to coerce myself into remaining still
into summoning the clarity of mind to pay even closer attention…
to collect and concentrate
rather than disperse and scatter…
it was a tenuous parley
yet a caucus had been reached
information and deduction was paramount…
and so i watched it…
i did more than look at it…
i did more than stare at it…
i watched it…
i was taking it in
through all my senses…
it was oval in shape
nestled well into its surroundings…
it was a flat dark color
yet there was a reflective quality to it
that is hard to interpret… and/or distinguish…
there were no windows that i could see…
it made no noise… nor did any draft around it move a single leaf…
it began to move… to rise up out of its hugged internment
so slowly and so quietly as naught to interfere with the night around it…
as it rose into the air i could see lights underneath it
small blue lights that pulsed rhythmically around the edges…
unless of course… it was a helicopter???
in which case the lights were definitely red and white…
i was taken aback by the notion
that what i was looking at was a helicopter…
and taken aback that that notion
had played itself out as though the thought
itself was somehow sufficient enough to create some
sort of juxtaposed reality… some sort of overlaying of thoughts…
and even though it was naught
accompanied by that flurry of activity
i knew i was witnessing the same phenomenon..
with this new idea in mind
the notion of a helicopter slipped away
and my original perception of the blue lights pulsing
around the edges of a very dark very silent spaceship returned…
this casual shifting and changing of reality
was causing my equilibrium to falter… I could feel
my body and my mind begin to sway… my stomach was uneasy…
still i continued to watch
naught daring to take my eyes away…
the ship was still rising above us
it halted its ascent at eighteen feet
hovering at the same level as the freeway
overpass which literally stated “truck clearance 18 feet”
i truly wondered if i was even breathing at this point
or if perhaps i was as quiet as the rest of the world around me…
and has fascinating…
i watched the flying saucer
as it hovered motionlessly in the air
for several seconds at a time… which god knows
is somewhat less than a minute give or take a second or two…
and then as quickly as the flip of a lightswitch
everything turned white… all i could see was white…
everything was so intensely entirely white
that it simply obliterated all sense of anything else…
instantly digressing i went from witnessing
to watching to staring to looking in a single breath…
a breath i did naught want to take less i became obliterated too…
yet it was a gasp i could naught stop…
as i sucked at the whiteness around me
i simultaneously closed my eyes against the inevitable…
seconds passed…
without obliteration…
i slowly exhaled
and opened my eyes…
the whiteness was gone…
the world around me was restored…
only it was different… much much different…
i was no longer sitting in a car on the freeway
instead i was sitting in a chair in a very large room…
the environment was sparse and dimly lit
small round lights were ensconced in the ceiling
and there was some form of uplighting along the walls…
the walls were round slanting from floor to ceiling
in a singular continuous seamless motion of metal that
did naught seem to absorb nor reflect the light in the room…
there was a wide semi circle table
in front of me and there were people
sitting quietly at this table looking at me…
at this point one and one equaled two…
i knew where i was and that these people
were probably and more than likely… aliens…
somehow i had gotten from the car
into the ship i had been watching moments before…
i could naught get a good look
at the beings seated at the table
they seemed to be “shrouded” in some way…
i do naught know if this was a trick of the lighting
or some other unbeknownst phenomenon but the harder
and harder i tried to focus on them the more obscure they became…
for the life of me
i can naught tell you what they look like…
an imposed quiet settled over the room
naught the same absense of sound as earlier
it was the quiet that begets anticipation or beginning…
the stillness before the storm…
my predicament escorted my attention back to myself…
i was sitting in a high back chair
it was hard and made of the same continuous
seamless metal as the rest of the room and everything in it…
i wondered how i got here
and an image of one of these beings
appeared on my left hand side positioning me
into place… fiddling with this and that… then fading away…
the chair was in the middle of the room
and was centered on a raised double tiered dais…
i was sitting tall and straight and firmly into it…
the lower part of the chair
wrapped semi circles around my calves…
the armrests of the chair
wrapped semi circles around my forearms…
both of these semi circles emitted a vivid blue light…
this blue light was multipurpose in function
it served as a form of a restraint… a force field that kept me in place…
it was also a light that calmed and soothed…
it prevented me from going into shock…
which was very important…
if i went into shock my telepathic sense would shut down…
i knew that…
i knew that the same astonishing way
that i knew where i was… who these people were…
what the blue lights did… and what was about to happen next…
(the latter being a question i must have asked somewhere along the way)
all the questions that were popping up in my head
were being answered… as quickly as i could think them…
either through words or images…
mostly images…
there was no restriction on this information
everything was open… all i needed was a question…
i knew that!!!
but… i think i knew it a second too late…
it was beginning…
the interrogation…
i knew about the interrogation
or at least i thought i did until it started…
i probably should have asked more questions!!!
in fact i probably even acquiesced to it on some level…
a simple little question and answer session
did naught seem like much of a problem especially
under these equitable and extenuating circumstances…
to tell the truth I seemed to be
somewhat aroused by the prospect…
aroused by the compelling authenticity…
telepathy was proving to be a singular event
where the conveying of thoughts and ideas flowed
along one indivisible current… an immaculate give and take…
i looked over to my left
at the first being seated there…
i paused... which was probably naught a good idea
because everything that happened next happened inside that pause…
i was looking at the first being on the left
waiting for the question to appear and before
my mouth could even hit the floor this being and all
the other beings had asked a question retrieved the information
and were back to the first being again… i was agape… gaped… and gaping…
i was being battered with questions
one by one… rapid fire… i could naught follow them
nor could i follow the answers these questions were eliciting…
the onslaught was fast… much too fast…
i could naught keep up… i could naught pay attention to everything at once…
it was horrible… it was devastating…
and it was careless… carelessly forceful…
and brutally invasive…
even though things were moving much too fast
for me to follow or even hear what was being asked
i could feel the pinprick of each beings mind when it was their turn…
my head began to follow this wave of energy
round and round the table swaying awkwardly side to side…
i was dizzy… the vertigo was intense…
i could barely hold my head up… my eyelids were fluttering
trying to stay open… any and all conscious effort was slipping away…
and…
they were doing this on purpose…
i knew that…
i must have had the presence of mind
to think a question at the beginning of the session
probably the last question i could cognitively put together
“what the …..”
their questions were moving lightening quick
faster than my reasoning processes could function
effectively shutting down any cognitive avenue of interpretation…
a palpable inertia was stealing over my senses
and i knew that i could do nothing about what was occurring …
i knew that… and more importantly… they knew that…
it all made sense to me
even as my mind was being laid waste
and my personal space ransacked and desecrated
i could clearly see the purpose and the platitude behind it…
they were just as exposed as i was…
i knew this rapid fire questioning
was a sure fire way to confuse and confound
any abilities i might have had to counter such an assault…
a sure fire way to confuse and confound any abilities
i might have conjured to decipher what was going on around me…
and there was plenty going on around me…
i was on the fringe of understanding something
something significant and extraordinary… something innate
and incredibly easy to grasp… i was only a moment away from it…
if only i had another moment…
now that i think about it…
they did naught waste any
time once i appeared on the scene…
everything was set up and put
into place the moment i arrived…
there was no astute parading of these beings
past the chair i was sitting in to the table in front of me…
they were already seated… ready to begin…
practiced and with a single intent…
time was of the essence
they had no moments to spare
lest i caught on and caught on quickly…
still…
i was in over my head
and way out of my league…
and then abruptly
just as abruptly as it started…
the interrogation stopped…
it could naught have lasted
any more than a minute or two…
there were no delayed reactions
or lingering effects from the vertigo
my head was holding its own… and it was empty…
i could no longer sense the pinprick of the others minds…
we were disconnected…
in a rush my thoughts and questions
began reorganizing and reassembling themselves
into some kind of recognizable form and function inside my head…
however those thoughts and questions
were no longer precipitating any answers…
and yet…
there was a conversation taking place
a conversation taking place on some other level…
i had the impression there were
many many levels of consciousness present…
familiar to them on a mechanical level
and familiar to me only on an intuitive level…
something was naught right
which probably sounds like a misnomer
under the circumstances… yet… something was naught right…
the interrogation was naught over i knew that…
i am quite sure it had only just begun…
it did naught stop as though it were finished…
it stopped as though it were interrupted…
oh… and… that conversation i was aware of… it was me…
i was talking to someone else…
i was aware of the conversation
but i could naught tell you what was said
it was occurring on a level much much quieter
than the level of telepathy i had just encountered…
who i was talking to was naught the beings in front of me…
the connection with them was naught only lost… it was eradicated…
i was talking to someone else…
that someone else was standing slightly behind me
on my right hand side… and this someone else was taking charge…
in a voice that resonated through more levels
of communication then i could possibly comprehend
and in a language i could fully understand and clearly hear
that someone else said to the beings gathered in front of me…
“this one is naught for you”
there was no confrontation from the beings in front of me
they complied without guile or menace without hesitation or argument…
inconsequentially…
they simply “let go” of me
unanimously relinquishing their hold…
my head felt hollow
and my ears were ringing
i realized i was naught just disengaged
from their thoughts… but from their feelings too…
and their senses…
i could no longer smell what they could smell…
taste what they could taste… listen to what they hear…
i could feel that fringe moment slipping away
like a dream retreating from the early morning light…
after a few seconds of reprieve and when
nothing untoward seemed to be going on in front of me
i slowly turned my attention to where the voice had come from…
i looked over my right shoulder
and saw the most beautiful creature
i had ever laid eyes on… composed entirely
of light that seemed fluid in design… changeable…
i was certain its countenance was not finite…
there was no skin or bones… no hands or feet
though there was the perception of arms and legs…
there was also the semblance of eyes… tender and intimate…
a barely perceptible nose and mouth…
beautiful…
but then again… only moments before
my first personal encounter with telepathy
had also seemed to be one of the most beautiful
things i had ever experienced… that is… until it was
perverted beyond anything i could have imagined or conceived of…
i was not in trust mode…
i was weary… i was tired… i wanted to go home…
this was absolutely too much strangeness for me and i did naught feel well…
i was sickened…
i was naught ill… i was sickened…
i was sickened in my heart and mind and soul…
a repulsive visceral reckoning of the interrogation…
perhaps i should have been grateful
it would seem as though this being of light
had just rescued me from the other beings in the room
yet it was naught in me to feel grateful… reassured.. or safe…
well… okay… maybe i did feel a little grateful…
but i was also very very uncomfortable…
i was uncomfortable with the conversation i knew i had
had with this being… the conversation i could naught quite hear…
i was afraid that i had agreed to something else i did naught fully
understand and i was wondering what price i might have agreed to pay…
i was absolutely positive there was nothing occurring
that was not occurring without my explicit consent on some level…
there was movement around me
my gaze shifted back to the room in front of me…
the lights were dimming…
the beings were becoming even more shrouded…
the dais where i was seated was slowly beginning to rotate
counterclockwise… a quarter turn of the clock… the room where
i had just been was falling away… enveloped in its own imposed enigma…
there was only me in the chair
and this being of light standing next to me…
i was looking at another room now
it appeared to be the same as the first room
only it was empty… there was no table… no one gathered…
just open space…
and quiet…
of course anything would seem quiet after the utter cacophony
that had just imploded inside my head… yet… the quiet was refreshing…
it was a quiet that infused
both my heart and mind and i knew
it was naught just the quiet in the room…
it was the quiet inside the being next to me…
if i could capture the quality of that quietness
in only a few words i would have to say there was no duality present…
no opposing forces… no opposing thoughts… no opposing anything…
the radiant epitome of peacefulness…
and there was something else…
i was connected to this being
in a way that was similar to the way
i had been connected to the first set of beings…
telepathically…
only… this was different… much much different…
we were naught connected mind to mind…
we were connected imagination to imagination…
and believe me the imagination
is much much quieter than the mind…
perhaps this creature has no mind
i do naught know… i have never asked…
i would think naught though…
i would think it was composed exclusively of imagination
and that was why it appeared sow fluid and easily changeable…
there was no longer a converation going on between us
in fact as far as i could tell nothing else had been said since
that first time i became aware of my communicating to someone else…
and that is naught to say i did naught have any questions…
i did have questions and plenty of them
however the questions seemed to exist in my mind
and naught in my imagination… thus becoming impertinent…
impertinent to where i was standing
impertinent to where i was observing from…
my attention was diverted
from its exploration of the inside of my head
to the wall in front of me that was beginning to move deliberately…
a screen was opening up…
a portion of the wall was withdrawing
in eight equal curvilinear sections rotating
into a circumference that defined the parameters of the screen…
and… this was no ordinary screen… it appeared animated…
it appeared to be a real time glimpse of something else… somewhere else…
i saw eclipses…
eclipse after eclipse after eclipse…
from a succession of lunar eclipses
with their soft smothering of light…
to the edginess of solar eclipses
with their ebony centers and blazing coronas…
i saw entire galaxies eclipse…
and universes too…
i have no idea how long i sat there
watching this display of shadow and light
it appeared to be real time… yet… how long does
it take an entire universe to eclipse??? two thousand years???
i seriously doubt i sat there two thousand years!!!
yet it was mesmerizing…
Absolutely and unequivocally mesmerizing…
in less than the blink of an eye i was back in the car…
there was no white light… no preponderance… i was just back in the car…
the car was running now and the radio was on…
the headlights were still naught working although simply
turning them on again illuminated the road and the night around us…
we were on the other side of the overpass now
my friend was once again animated and we were both confused
searching for something we could naught find… define… or comprehend…
where did it go???
it was naught on the ground
nor in the skies above us… however
there was a light moving east toward the mountain…
my friend said it was only “fire on the mountain”
and the conversation ended there… it simply “did naught matter”
i do naught remember the drive home
or climbing into bed that night but… i do remember
waking up the next morning and telling my mother i had seen an ufo…
later that evening when my father came home
from work at hill air force base he said there had been
over a dozen reports of a ufo sighting the previous night near
the north end of the base… which is located right next to riverdale road…
right next to where i had been…
then again… i did naught follow up on it…
“it simply did naught matter“…
and… that is the stance i took for many many years
that was my perpetual automatic reply to my experience
or any other experiences vaguely resembling it… end of discussion…
basically an incoherent evasive response
from someone who thrives on questioning everything…
this stance was an enigma in and of itself…
an enigma i knew that one day
i would get around to looking at more closely
an enigma that could naught escape my attention forever…
and then one day i did look..
i looked at that stance
and i asked myself the question…
the inevitable question…
“what the… ”
it did matter!!!
of course it mattered!!!
metaphorically
speaking or otherwise…
i had been aboard
an oyster and found a pearl…
a pearl composed
entirely of light…
i had naught missed
the fringe moment after all…
love
thought